Suicide leaves families carrying the pain

When someone commits suicide, the immediate focus often spotlights on the individual who died. Far less attention is given to what happens afterwards inside the family left behind, said social worker Ingrid Pollack.

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The aftermath of suicide often unfolds as a complicated change in family roles, expectations and relationships, said Pollack. “These changes can reshape a household for years.”

Pollack said suicide bereavement rarely affects family members in the same way. Even though they share the same loss, each person experiences it through their own view of responsibilities and emotional expectations within the family structure.

Social worker explains how suicide grief reshapes families

“Losing a child to suicide profoundly disrupts family roles,” she said. “The home can become an arena of grief where everyone carries the same loss, but expresses it differently.”

Parents struggle with an overwhelming sense of responsibility after such a death. Because their identity is closely tied to being protectors and caregivers, the loss can feel like a collapse of that role, Pollack said.

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“Parents often experience intense self blame. They replay events in their minds and ask questions like ‘what did I miss’ or ‘where did I go wrong’.” That internal questioning can create emotional barriers in the family unit. Instead of openly discussing the loss, relatives may retreat into silence as each tries to cope.

Pollack said siblings frequently find themselves navigating a particularly complex position within the household. Some may feel pressure to suppress their own grief so that they do not add to their parents’ distress.

Others may assume a stabilising role in the family, stepping in emotionally where parents are struggling to function.

Children take on caregiving role

“Siblings can end up feeling they have to be the strong one,” she said. “In some cases children effectively take on a caregiving role for their parents.” This reversal of roles can alter family dynamics in subtle, but lasting ways.

Grief can also expose differences in how people believe emotions should be expressed. Pollack said cultural and gender expectations often influence those reactions.

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“Women and mothers may express grief openly, while fathers sometimes focus on practical responsibilities or routines as a way of maintaining stability in the household. Some parents lean toward keeping daily life running as normally as possible.

“Others process their grief more visibly.”

Neither approach is necessarily wrong, she said, but contrasting means of grief can create tension if family members misinterpret each other’s behaviour.

Stigma

Speaking about the death beyond the home and the stigma that surrounds it can be challenging, too. Many families choose silence about the cause of death to shield themselves from judgment or speculation within their communities, Pollack said.

“Families may resort to secrecy or protective silence about the cause of death to avoid stigma.” While that decision may offer short-term protection, she said it can also isolate families further by limiting their ability to talk about the loss openly.

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The digital environment has introduced another layer of complexity, she said.

Entertainer Ian von Memerty’s public documenting before his death illustrate how grief can become a very public experience.

“In cases where someone publicly documents their distress or intentions before dying, families may suddenly find themselves exposed to unwanted public attention. This can intensify an already painful situation,” she said.

Shaking families to the core

“It can feel like a violation of privacy and families are forced into public exposure and may experience shame or embarrassment at a time when they are already dealing with trauma.

“The nature of suicide can shake a family to the core,” Pollack said. It casts a long shadow over those who are left behind.

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Help on hand

Looking out for a loved one is important. In South Africa there are 23 suicides a day recorded and 230 serious attempts.

Call the South African Depression and Anxiety Group to talk on behalf of a loved one, colleague, or friend. Trained counsellors are there to help and refer you to local counsellors, facilities and Support Groups.

• 0800-21-22-23 (8am to 8pm)
• 0800-12-13-14 (8pm to 8am)
• SMS 31393

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